As I prepare for my last year on this earth, first I have to say that I am so grateful to have a whole year and this heads up. (OK, this is just an imaginary story – I am not dying that I know of. I don’t know how long I’ll be around, but I am creating this fantasy to look at what is really important to me.)
What would I want for my last year?
To do what I wanted and didn’t get to. To slow down time so that I can be with the birds in my garden. To plant one last garden and to watch it grow over another spring, summer and fall. To live on a beach for one season. To watch my friends and family live and grow. To see my daughter's face. I would have a week long party on the beach with all of you!
To write about my experiences. To have the opportunity to coach more people and teach Martha Beck’s and Brooke Castillo’s tools, that have so transformed my life. I would want to learn about how racism operates in me and discover how I can be part of a solution – one little part of a solution. One little understanding to add to all the drops of people who want love in the world; to partake in making heaven right here on earth.
The past is gone. The pain of the past is gone. Our experience of the past is gone. What is here now is the story we tell about the past. The vague feelings I am having right now are from my current thoughts about the past. The story I tell myself about my life can reflect either dulce o amargo – the bitter or the sweet.
How can I change my past? How do I reframe the story so that my past is a reflection of the strengths I have today? My strengths were built upon that very same past. How can I write my own legend? How can I change my thinking?
To my fellow, deep-diving sufferers. Friends, men and women of a certain age. There is no doubt that there has been trauma. There is no doubt that I have put in the time to be aware of and feel my pain. Even today, I am just in a bad feeling mood and I feel it.
I have looked for connections, sought the blind spots, and tracked the family of origin story back generations. I looked my abuser in the eye, made my peace, took responsibility where it was mine and released myself for the responsibility of others’ behavior. I connected with like-minded men and women; I have completed the 4th step in 3 programs.