To my fellow, deep-diving sufferers. Friends, men and women of a certain age. There is no doubt that there has been trauma. There is no doubt that I have put in the time to be aware of and feel my pain. Even today, I am just in a bad feeling mood and I feel it.
I have looked for connections, sought the blind spots, and tracked the family of origin story back generations. I looked my abuser in the eye, made my peace, took responsibility where it was mine and released myself for the responsibility of others’ behavior. I connected with like-minded men and women; I have completed the 4th step in 3 programs.
I have cleaned and swept house, and I have learned that no house can stay clean without dedicated upkeep, no health can remain healthy without daily hygiene, no muscle remain strong without resisting weight. I have learned I have a learning disorder and am studying new ways to learn. I am leaning in on the fast train of my life. It is moving forward no matter what I think or do. Whew….
What if I am done with the deep work? No more deep, dark childhood monster to face; no more resisting my mother and father and brother and uncle. No more negative judgments of myself.
What if the reason I bite my fingers and resist exercise is not because of anything but that I have the habit of doing and not doing? The habit of believing my negative thoughts. The habit of not keeping promises to myself. The habit of wanting someone else to blame.
What if, I ask you? What if the reason you keep thinking those awful, life-sucking thoughts is because your brain has been successfully programed year after year to repeat itself? I offer it for your consideration. To those who have done the deep work and still have not created the life you want; consider that you might have some bad habits. Consider that you can learn new habits to replace the bad habits.
Identify your bad habits. Come up with a plan. I have some ideas up my sleeve, if you are interested, let me know.