As I prepare for my last year on this earth, first I have to say that I am so grateful to have a whole year and this heads up. (OK, this is just an imaginary story – I am not dying that I know of. I don’t know how long I’ll be around, but I am creating this fantasy to look at what is really important to me.)
What would I want for my last year?
To do what I wanted and didn’t get to. To slow down time so that I can be with the birds in my garden. To plant one last garden and to watch it grow over another spring, summer and fall. To live on a beach for one season. To watch my friends and family live and grow. To see my daughter's face. I would have a week long party on the beach with all of you!
To write about my experiences. To have the opportunity to coach more people and teach Martha Beck’s and Brooke Castillo’s tools, that have so transformed my life. I would want to learn about how racism operates in me and discover how I can be part of a solution – one little part of a solution. One little understanding to add to all the drops of people who want love in the world; to partake in making heaven right here on earth.
To me making heaven on earth does not mean a world free from inner disturbances, but it would be a world with a method for dispersing the disturbance and for seeing and understanding what there is to learn in each disturbance. (OK, so these methods already do exist, incorporating meditation, therapy, coaching, mind-body tools.) I would make them available in all schools. I would make them easier to adopt. I would open the school of Incredible Inner Disturbances!
I would write a movie where the Avengers become the Creators or the Healers or the Magicians – a new Science Fiction story. Beings going around deescalating and dissolving hatred, fear and misunderstanding. The general belief is that no one would purchase tickets to that movie. Imagine a life of continuous disturbances revealed, examined and dissolved. (Oh yeah, that is what recovery and coaching offer me right now, though in my fantasy it is much, much easier and quicker.) I would buy a ticket to that movie. I would want my future grandchildren to see it.
Solving the problems of the world on a big screen with magical methods seems so much more valuable than simply owning my own hatred, fear and misunderstanding. My own fear and self-hatred that I experienced growing up turned in on myself. It just doesn’t seem like my own healing from hatred, and fear would have such a big impact on the world. I can be a pain, for sure, but I am not sure I would qualify as a big hater. Great teachers, Buddha, Jesus, Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr, Pema Chodron, and others – all teach to simply love and respect ourselves, being of service to others and being brave enough to stand up in the face of injustice will turn the world into a more loving place. Therefore, intellectually I try to grasp that doing my own inner work has value. Being of service has value. Being brave has value.
In this my last year, I would want to impress upon my friends how much of an impact they have had on my growth and development to self-love and care, how much of an impact they have made who have mothered me, fathered me, supported me, acknowledged me and loved me. Though the work I have to do is internal and alone, I love being part of the circles and communities of my extended and beloved families.
I would recapture the days and nights when I cared for 2-year old Ruby, Hannah and Barry, dancing through the house to Linda Ronstadt. Imagination was the essence of the day. Art & music, how easily I had forgotten them!
This year, I am committing to learning more about myself, continuing to coach myself and get coached to allow my inner disturbances to move through me. To untether my soul from fear. I am committed to spending more time with you all. To love you the best I can.
What about you? When you imagine your last year, what discoveries do you find?