Do allow yourself to be changed by your emotions?  I know I don’t like to show people when I change.  I sometimes hold a mask up to the world to hide feeling inadequate, shame or other negative emotions.  Shouldn’t I have it all together already? 

How often are we hiding and running from our emotions?

If you are an emotional eater, you use food to distract you from feeling uncomfortable emotions.  Even though you know that each bite brings you closer to disappointment, which feels more terrible.

Are you are now in your 60s and your weight is an issue that won’t budge?

Are you one of the original yo-yo dieters and you're tired of having food rule your life? 

If you have struggled with weight over the years, you have likely been sabotaged by cravings. You get started on another diet.  You're doing great, maybe even lose a pound.  Then a craving hits, and you feel out of control. 

One of the strategies I teach my clients is mindfulness.  I don’t know about where you live, but being mindful is a concept that is pervasive in Northern California where I live.

Have you heard of mindful eating?

I tried mindful eating at Spirit Rock Meditation Center.  I was given a raisin and asked to hold it in my hand, and to look it over.  OK.  Next, we were instructed to take a bite – yes, a bite of a raisin.  I didn’t even know that that was possible.  Then we were asked to described its taste and its texture. Cool. I didn’t see the usefulness of this exercise at the time.

What is emotional eating?

Every time you eat, you’re solving a problem. Either you’re hungry and food provides your body the energy it needs to function, or you’re eating to sooth, avoid, or distract from a negative emotion such as boredom, agitation, loneliness, anxiety, stress, anger, or any other uncomfortable feeling.  I noticed my emotional reaction to the signs of aging goes from joy and acceptance to shock and surprise!

Welcome to your 60s.  This is the decade of authenticity and freedom.  It is your time to choose YOU.  Decide for yourself--with purpose and intention--how you want to spend your time.  How do you want to behave toward yourself and others?  Why?  Coming to our 60s is an opportunity and a privilege as I see it.

Natural weight, right-sized body, healthy weight, thin – by any other name.

Natural weight, right-sized body, healthy weight, thin --whatever you call it -- when you’ve had a lifetime indulging an antagonistic relationship with your body and food as I did, and finally land at a healthy, right-sized, natural weight; it is paradise. Even if I had to wait until I was close to 60!

“If you want to find out why you overeat, stop overeating.” Brooke Castillo

Weight is the Star of the Show

Recently a client of mine had a great Ah Ha! moment.  She was successfully losing weight, following her meal plan when she had a thought – “I don’t think I want to do this anymore.” It was a brief whisper of a thought that seemed to land quickly and take off.  At first, she didn’t think much of it.  She was surprised at her own success and proud of taking consistent action. Proud of doing hard things. She was retraining her brain.

Yet, that little whisper of a thought could have been poison.  She paid attention to that thought and then she challenged it.  She discovered she did want to keep doing this.  She wasn’t hungry. She wasn’t suffering.  She was bored.  It was time to create some new goals.  What might she do with the time her brainhad previously spent on food chatter?  She was putting off planning a vacation.  How about doing some research and making some plans? Done.  Thought challenged and dissolved.

If weight loss is what you seek, here are 4 Keys to Get Started. 

1.       Make a decision.

You must first make a decision brought upon by your own will. No one can do this for you. You can make a decision now even if you have made this decision before. 

2.       Make a commitment.

          When you decide to commit to something, it's different than just wanting to do it.

          If you are 100% committed, you will succeed.  It doesn’t mean you will be perfect. It means you will be committed to keep going and keep learning.  You may fail and fall, yet you will succeed if you are 100% committed.  Guaranteed.

3.       Make a plan.

          Choose a meal plan you will follow and that works for your body.

          Plan for discomfort.

          Plan for hunger.

          Plan for obstacles.

The human body is not static in nature – our cells are ever changing.  Our skin sheds every 2 to 4 weeks.  The cells in our lungs renew themselves every 2-3 weeks and our heart regenerates 3 or 4 times over our life time, approximately every 20 years.

Using imaging, science has observed that the brain physically changes with new experiences. 

Your brain is always seeking the easy way forward.  Neuropathways are like superhighways of connections between neurons that are created with new thoughts and actions.  The more we repeat a pattern of thought and action, the clearer the pathway and the stronger the behavior is.  When emotion is stirred, the neural pathway is stronger yet.

When I was young and could not understand my emotions, I hid my feelings from everyone.  My situation was confusing to me and my emotions were overwhelming.  Repeatedly hiding in reaction to my emotions - over and over and over - created a pattern.  Eventually I started eating to cover my emotions – sadness, fear, shame - and the overwhelming confusion caused by hiding. The brain doesn’t care if the pattern we create is useful or not.  When a negative thought would bubble up from my unconscious, I ate to distract myself. 

What?

What stops you from acting on your desire for change?

What happens when you decide to believe you cannot change? 

          Your thoughts serve as your strait jacket.

          Belief turns your feet to clay.

          Fear of your emotions weigh your body down.

          Your beliefs imprison your mind.

Everything starts with a desire, then a vision and a story or belief, followed by a decision and action.  Everything created in your life started this way.  Maybe it wasn’t conscious. Some of us are better at dreaming, some at taking action, some with deciding.  Some of us are good at wanting.  I have thought I want to live by the ocean.  I want to exercise every day.  I want to be a better partner and mother.  I haven’t reached all of these goals, yet.  But if the desire wasn’t there, would it ever be possible?

LEARNING SOMETHING NEW IMPLIES YOU DON'T YET HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE TO ACHIEVE IT.

I remember a moment years ago when I was attending a Catholic mass and Father Tom, an incredibly talented and wise priest, read Jesus' words, “What do you want me to do for you?” I was startled because I don’t ever remember hearing those words before.  “What do you want me to do for you?”  Father Tom asked us – "What do you want him to do for you?" 

The amazing thing about that moment was that I didn’t really know the answer.  Imagine, you can get anything you want if you can just say what it is.  My point has nothing to do with Jesus. My point is:  are we ready to live the life we want, right now?  If someone came up to you and asked, “What are the underlying values that guide your life and your wants?”  "When you end your day, are you satisfied that the time you spent fulfilled your values and goals?"  Are you living your own life, or the life other people desire for you?  Are you living fully in your body, or are you hiding?

THE CURIOUS BRAIN

As children, we learn everything from our instinctive curiosity.  Watching, absorbing, listening, touching, tasting, copying, and trying over and over.  We learn language; our curiosity is expressed in questions.  How many parents and adults have been frustrated by the 58th “Why?” asked in a high-pitched voice by the toddler and finally answered with an exasperated response: “BECAUSE I SAID SO!” 

In a More Beautiful Question, Warren Berger reports on research revealing that a child asks about forty thousand questions between the ages of two and five.  The questions range from simple factual questions to requests requiring explanations.  As this is happening, there is rapid brain growth -- about a quadrillion connection of neurons firing in a child’s brain.  (That is 1,000,000,000,000,000.)

Image - We Are Nature II by Christoffer Relander.  This week's blog is a visual feast of nature. Relax, release and connect to nature

“Dear Santa, Merry Christmas.  I was very good this year and I tried really hard to get along with my brothers, but Michael made it really hard.  I want a 007 attaché case and an erector set and a Barbie doll. We left you some milk and cookies.  I hope you like them.  Love 2c, Pats"

Ho, Ho, Ho –  Did you ever write a letter to Santa or encourage you children to write a letter to Santa?  This was probably the first time you put a desire on paper. 

I never got the Barbie doll until years later when it didn't seem to matter.  You may have received your desired gift and been transformed with the idea of the magic of receiving what you asked for. Or you may never have received that one thing you believed could make you happy and it still colors your world. 

Join me on a 12 month journey of self-knowledge and life design for survivors of child abuse. 

We started with the skill of awareness in November.  Each month I will share skills I practice to create the life I choose, on purpose and not driven by the events of the past.  We continue our exploration of awareness - this time of our emotional body.

Last week I gave you 3 exercises to help you become aware of your thoughts during Thanksgiving.  Did you write in your notebook?  Did you notice your thoughts? (Check out FaceBook Live each week.) We now have entered the holiday season.  It’s a time when emotions run high, when sentiments and memories are relived and reformed, when traditions honored or rejected.  How do you experience your emotions?

Let’s prepare.  Great challenges lie ahead.  This world demands your full presence and engagement.  We are being asked to pay attention.  To care for ourselves and each other.  I want you to join me on one path through the maze.   You who experienced the unfathomable, are especially invited to be present and engage. We are all required.

Are you struggling with critical thoughts that cause you pain?  Do you try to control your feelings toward your partner?  Are you second guessing your decisions? Do you worry that you are wasting your life, not living to your potential?  Are you living from your values?  Do you have an inkling of your purpose? 

It happens that I am overcome by an old, familiar feeling. It could rise up at a family holiday gathering.  That old family friend who says the most annoying things.  Or Aunt Bessie, who means well, but boy is she in my business.  Let’s not talk politics or religion or work or anything.  Sometimes the feeling is shame or guilt or sadness.  And there on the table is an abundance of food and all the sugary treats that are poison to me.

In the past, I brace my body, tell myself I won’t let it get to me. When that old, familiar feeling takes over, my brain goes to work seeking to identify if there is danger, if it is familiar and if the story make sense.  Sometimes the thought driving the feeling will not be conscious.  It is tiny and elusive.  Like a hair in your eye, can’t see it, yet it takes all your attention.  So I used to eat.  When the family left -- just one more piece of that special treat.  Just one more. You get the picture.

How do I break that cycle?

This is what I learned.  When you want to change, to either take something out of your life or add something to your life it is best to have a clear intention.  It is also good to have a compelling reason to make the change and to identify an important value that connects to it.

So I created a protocol for my life.

I had a brain error today.  I almost did it again.  I was obsessed with CNN and anticipating one more woman showing up to accuse Trump.  This one was going to have invincible evidence!

My brain was slipping into old thoughts without my even realizing it.  “I am a victim. I am powerless.  No one will stand up for me.  No one will believe me.”  And besides, I did my own damage in my later years by choosing to seek love and attention from men when all they knew was sex.  I was too young to “get it” and there were enough older men willing to use my ignorance for their pleasure.

Seeing survivors bravely rising – forced to face a wave of misogyny and a predator using shame to keep them in hiding.  I am so proud of their courage.  And to Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Gloria Steinem, broadcasters and pundits of the Republican, Democratic, and Libertarian persuasion come to our side and stand with us.  To educate.  

Because we forget there is no way we can be re-traumatized by the words of such a man and others who in ignorance, just don’t understand the issue. 

Healing Shame

This past month we have been in Brené Brown’s words, rumbling with shame.  Via podcast, blog, one on one coaching and webinar.  In the hallway, the bedroom, the office and the kitchen.  In the depths of my own brain and soul. If you have come along for the ride, we are stronger after each rumble.  Neurons fire together to support us to a newly learned response.  You can be stronger too.

Which brings me to the other side of shame most of the time.

Shame is a feeling we may have to entertain throughout life.  I identify and name the physical manifestations in my body that I call “shame”.  A pounding in the head, heart racing, a throat that tightens and a shortness of breath.  There is the warm flush and a sense of doom.  That’s what happens to me when I notice shame. What happens to you? 

Did you know, naming shame takes away its power? Did you know the rumble is for practicing? The rumble is for learning

Back in November of 2012 I joined an online class taught by Martha Beck.  The course, Find Your Calling, was uplifting and fascinating, but it was my first online training and I could not connect to the online community.  I was just too lazy to sit there and type so I invited whoever was interested to meet in person.

Out of my frustration with technology, Flying in Formation© was formed. 

Wait, that’s not how it really happened! 

Flying in Formation evolved from our first meeting on January 20, 2013.  A small group of women came together because we loved the work of Martha Beck who taught us how to interpret our dreams and how to look at any household object and use it to find something new about the fight we had with our partner the night before.  We were hungry for being with other women also searching for connection.

As I prepare for my last year on this earth, first I have to say that I am so grateful to have a whole year and this heads up. (OK, this is just an imaginary story – I am not dying that I know of.  I don’t know how long I’ll be around, but I am creating this fantasy to look at what is really important to me.)

What would I want for my last year?

To do what I wanted and didn’t get to.  To slow down time so that I can be with the birds in my garden.  To plant one last garden and to watch it grow over another spring, summer and fall.  To live on a beach for one season. To watch my friends and family live and grow. To see my daughter's face. I would have a week long party on the beach with all of you!

To write about my experiences.  To have the opportunity to coach more people and teach Martha Beck’s and Brooke Castillo’s tools, that have so transformed my life.  I would want to learn about how racism operates in me and discover how I can be part of a solution – one little part of a solution.  One little understanding to add to all the drops of people who want love in the world; to partake in making heaven right here on earth.